Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Boobs speak an international language.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
