I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
