some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
