he thought i was a dude.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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