I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
