I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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