my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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