You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
