He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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