I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
