just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
