Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
As shirtless as possible
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
