I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
