My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
