I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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