You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
