So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
