At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He passed out mid-signature
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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