Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
