Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
