dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
