o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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