Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
