i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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