puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
