You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Holy shit dude........stairs
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