Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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