I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
