I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
