hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
