im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
