I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
