why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We're too hungover to prance.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
