Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
