matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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