I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
