I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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