are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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