Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
