Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
