shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
