oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
