I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
