Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
