We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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