Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
