Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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