I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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