Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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