Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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