I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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